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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.